


Confessions

by Pfain Ryder (Cat_Moon)



Category: Quantum Leap
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-07-31 20:08:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20120947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cat_Moon/pseuds/Pfain%20Ryder
Summary: Sam asks. Al says no. Is that the end of it?





	Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> Published in Leapin' Friskys #7. 1995

I've never been able to get to sleep right away at night. Unless I'm exhausted from too many late nights in the lab, it takes me hours to unwind, to get my mind to stop turning a thousand revolutions a minute.

Sometimes I don't mind laying in the darkness, awake. It can be peaceful, soothing, my bed like a private womb. Sometimes I do mind. When my brain turns against me and I battle the fears, insecurities, and worries until I think I'll scream from the clamor in my head.

Then, there are other kinds of nights...

It was chilly, but I didn't want to close the window. The night sounds coming in through the open window were always a comforting background, lulling me into sleep. Instead, I pulled the blanket up around me, settling in.

The memories came then, as they always did...

I could feel the warm hands at my back, fingers digging in to massage away the day's tension. I stretched like a cat, basking in the sensation. I remembered what it was like to be so close, to feel a _connection_ to another human being. I'd always felt different from everyone else, alienated in some subtle way, by my intellect if nothing else. I guess maybe that's why I needed so badly to be a part of someone else. To take away the loneliness in my soul.

I thought that's how it was for him, too, but I guess I was wrong. I think that's what hurt most about the whole situation. Knowing that, even after having been granted another chance, it was a hopeless dream. It wasn't even real, never had been.

Oh, maybe in some alternate universe somewhere. Maybe there was a Sam Beckett who was snuggled comfortably in the arms of love, limbs entangled like vines.

While this one was kept awake nights by a memory that wasn't even real.

I considered getting up to make some tea, decided I was too lazy to move. The night air was growing cooler and the blanket wasn't heavy enough, but I stubbornly refused to close that window and lose my only comfort. Punishment, you might say, for sleeping in the nude.

I smiled as I remembered how surprised Al was when he found out his 'prudish' friend slept in the buff. I'm not sure what one has to do with the other, but he seemed to think it does. In any case, there were quite a few surprises for him that particular night...

I suddenly missed him with an ache so strong it was almost physical. I glanced at the dark shadow of the phone longingly, but restrained myself from previous foolishness. A few nights I'd dialed Al's number just to hear his voice...then hung up. But it always made me feel better enough to fall asleep...

I was just reaching for the receiver when the doorbell rang. I froze, heart in my throat. Not too many people call on me at that hour; I could think of only one and I had no idea what he'd be doing here.

I hastily threw on a robe and dashed to the door. Al stood there looking grave, and apologetic, and uncomfortable.

"Can I come in?" he asked. As if I'd say no.

Belting my robe tighter around me, I stepped aside as he shuffled in. "Is anything wrong?" I almost wished it was an emergency at the Project responsible for this unusual late visit.

"Huh? No," he shook his head. "I didn't wake you, did I?"

"You know better than that," I began, then added, "No, I guess you don't."

I must have given Al the opening he'd needed, for he didn't make any more small talk. "I need to talk to you, about...things."

"Things?" I said archly. "Sports, the weather, quantum physics?" I tried not to be bitter, I really did. It wasn't his fault.

"I guess I deserved that," Al answered.

I followed him to the couch, making sure I left a generous space between us when I sat down. For both our sakes. "No, you don't deserve any of this. The problem is, neither do I," I said, trying hard to keep the plaintiveness out of my voice.

"I know."

"You want a drink or something?" I asked, partly to be polite and partly to stall for time. Whatever he had to say, I'd already decided it was something I didn't want to hear.

"No, just to talk. About us."

_There is no us._ I kept my tongue, just barely. "We've been all through this already--"

"Not quite," Al interrupted, then sighed. "Look, Sam...when you told me about your memories of that timeline..."

It was my turn to interrupt. "I know, you don't remember and it isn't the way things are now. Don't worry about it," I told him, trying to make my voice sound light, "I'll get used to it." _In about a million years. Maybe._ "I won't bring it up again." Had that really been my traitorous tongue that had asked..._begged_...Al to 'give it a try'? I cringed inwardly in remembrance.

"It's not that easy," he said regretfully.

Sudden terror clawed my insides. "Al...please. I'll never bring it up again; you can't let it affect all the years of friendship--"

"_Sam_." His quiet but commanding voice stopped me. "That's not what I meant."

I waited, somewhat reassured, but nothing was forthcoming. "Then why did you come here?" I finally asked.

One side of his mouth quirked up on a slight, self-depreciating smile. "To make a confession."

"I don't understand."

"I lied, Sam."

I was obviously going to have to drag every sentence out of him one at a time. He could be insufferable that way sometimes, when he had something to say he was reluctant about. Used to drive me crazy on the leaps. "About what?"

He looked down at his lap. "I do remember the timeline where we were lovers."

"You what??" The words hung in the air between us, hovering, until I reached out and grabbed them. Implications appeared to keep them company. "Why did you lie?" I asked in an amazingly calm voice.

Al rubbed a hand over his face. "I've been asking myself the same question for the last three days. A bunch of reasons, probably. Maybe I thought it was for the best. Or the way things were supposed to be. Or maybe I was--"

"Maybe you just didn't want me." I kept my voice even, but obvious enough to let him see the hint beneath. If I lost my temper now, it might damage things beyond repair.

"I was afraid you'd leave again," he blurted out, finally meeting my eyes.

"What?" I whispered.

"You left."

_You left. _ The words rang in my ears, deafening even in their softness. I understood so much in that one moment, I wanted to cry. Al was insecure too.

I got off the chair to kneel on the floor at Al's feet. "Yes, I did," I said quietly, laying my palms down on his thighs. I looked him in the eye. "But I came back."

I held my breath for long moments, while I waited.

"To stay?" he asked in a voice that almost reminded me of...a little boy. Counter-attack, but a tremulous query rather than an accusation.

What could I say to him? It'll be okay? _Pray for me... _It was with supreme effort that I removed my hands and leaned back on my heels. "I can't give guarantees," I said a bit brusquely. "No matter how many times I played God." Self-recrimination, it hadn't eased much yet. "But I'm here now, and I _can_ swear to you that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. We've been given a second chance...that has to mean something."

"I guess I owe you," Al said, almost a non-sequitur.

"You owe me nothing," I retorted sharply. Oh, how I wanted to say yes, you do owe me. To appeal to Al's well-developed sense of loyalty. My hands found my own thighs, gripping tightly. It wasn't even true: he'd paid his debt--with interest. "The question is, do you want me?"

"Has what I wanted ever really mattered?" he said distantly, directed at not just me, but the world in general.

"It does to me," I whispered. "Very much. I want to try to make you happy..."

"I guess I don't have much left to lose," Al murmured to himself. Then he slumped suddenly, bowing his head. "I'm sorry I'm giving you such a rough time.

"I understand."

"I didn't come here to...I mean, I wouldn't have told you if...I hadn't already made my decision," he admitted, low.

Tentative relief washed over me. If the answer was no, he would have waited until the cold light of morning in a neutral place to tell me.

For further proof, Al took my hands and placed them back on his thighs, pulling them upwards.

I should have left well-enough alone, but that has always been one of my problems. Not knowing when to quit. "Because you owe me? Because you don't have anything left to lose?"

Al nodded, spreading his legs and pulling me in-between them. "And because God's always been on your side."

_God's always been on my side... _ I didn't speak of a father who died too young, despite my best efforts to help him. Or a sister who was beaten by her first husband. Or a time-travel experiment that trapped me in hell for over five years, or a brother that I'd saved...but only at the too-high price of my friend's freedom. "Yes," I agreed with a smile, reeling him in.

And the talking was over.

**the end**

9/13/94


End file.
